Conflict Resolution

In learning more about conflict resolution and healthy expressions of disagreement, I was brought to thinking about a lengthy conflict that I had been experiencing with my sister-in-law over the past year.  Thankfully, our relationship is back to about 90% of what it was, but it has been a long and very carefully traveled path.

Unfortunately, she has suffered tremendous loss over the past four years and has also been held responsible for an incredible amount—more than many people can bear—associated with those losses, her teenage stepdaughter with a birth mother who consistently lashes out at her child for choosing to live with her father, and a husband who travels extensively for work.  We had always leaned on each other to help us through challenging times, but this time, after one very tiny mishap that actually did not involve me directly and was out of the hands of the party involved, I ended up being the scapegoat for all of her pent up frustration, hurt, and sadness. 

I had a very difficult time understanding why she chose me to unleash upon; however I also value this friendship a great deal and knew that the best thing I could offer her was time.  I was sure to keep up on how things were going and allowed her to divulge what she chose.  Sometimes it was more than others, but I felt that it was important to make it known that I was checking up on them all and that I cared.  The majority of my strategy for the first several months was containing the situation (The Third Side, n.d.), so that our relationship would not be damaged beyond repair. 

Slowly, over the next few months, she began reaching out to me unprompted, which was as much of an apology as I was ever going to get for the treatment I received, although I would never ask her to explain herself. I feel that it was our strong bond that let her know that I would be there no matter what, and that on some level by my refusal to challenge her behavior I was fulfilling some inherent human need of hers.  My compassion and empathy for her situation was allowing me to receive the critical messages she was sending and also afford me the opportunity to forgive her actions despite their hurtful nature (The Center for Nonviolent Communication, n.d.).  It was unconsciously understood by us both that my responding to her reaches was my acceptance of this unspoken apology. 

Thankfully, our situation has improved immensely.  We have learned to let go of what we cannot change or take back.  We have worked through numerous text messages and emails when a personal conversation may not have gone as smoothly.  We have put our children and family ties first to get us through.  We are now close again, and likely over time our relationship will progress to where it was before.  The sad truth; however, is that there was damage that may never be forgotten.  I can only hope that time will heal these wounds and allow us to work toward a reciprocal relationship where we can more clearly articulate our needs and feelings rather than go the slow route to closure. 

References

The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/

The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/

Myself as a Communicator

After evaluating myself as a communicator based on verbal aggressiveness, communication anxiety, and listening skills, there were some facets of my style that were a bit surprising. 

I was well aware of my public speaking anxiety—it has been this way since I was a young, shy child.  As I grew, I often found myself in situations where I was in the minority of the group (the youngest, the only female, etc.) which affected my confidence and therefore my ability to effectively speak to groups.  Now that I am working in a field I am passionate about, I find it easier to speak to others with confidence, although I always prefer being prepared rather than speaking spontaneously—especially when it involves something that I care tremendously about.  I think that be staying up to date on information, forming critical bonds with children and families, and developing support systems I can slowly build my confidence in this area and be able to share more easily when it counts.

I was also not surprised by the fact that my verbal aggressiveness score was higher according to my family member as opposed to the score that was attained by my colleague.  I think that sometimes I take advantage of the ability to relax more at home and, unfortunately it is not always in a positive fashion.  I tend to lash out more among those I am closest too, and it reflects in how they perceive me as a communicator. 

I found it most interesting that I can be seen to have several different listening styles.  I can even see it in myself, as I found some of the questions in the survey to have multiple answers for me depending on context.  I will do my best to be more cognizant of the manner in which I am presenting myself and ensure that I am using the best tools for the job!

Communication Strategies and Adaptations

Admittedly, the last several classes I have taken with Walden have opened my eyes to an aspect of my life that I suppose I had only given surface value to.  I had noticed an increase in diversity in my community, but had not genuinely considered all of the ways in which I could embrace it.  I have had the pleasure of working with people of many different cultures throughout my adulthood, but only barely noticed the differences between us without truly taking the time to understand.  I have taught children of different backgrounds and even have family members and close friends with significant cultural differences.  If I am to be completely honest, behind closed doors I likely exhibited a bit of cultural myopia and tended to take advantage of my membership in the dominant American culture, even if I managed to fare well publicly. 

Since I have been exposed to fellow students from around the country, and professionals from around the globe, in addition to the immense research and testimonials I have been exposed to as of late, I have truly given differences the attention they deserve. I have learned that adjustments to communication styles are an inevitable necessity.  We must learn to base the way we interact with others on the methodology that leads to quality communication and effective messaging. 

I have recognized the different styles with which I communicate with my family members: gentle, patient, guiding, supportive with my children; understanding, supportive, respectful, more body language, sometimes more demeaning than I ever intend with my husband (thankfully, we understand each other completely and even if our feelings our hurt or miscommunication occurs it is mended quickly); respectful, cognizant of power struggles, helpful, good listening with my mother; careful ,close attention to body language; guiding without being “bossy” with my brother;…and the list goes on with other members.

With my colleagues, mentors, and families and children that I work with, I have found that different rules and norms apply.  While the information that may be contained in particular messages can sometimes be limited, I must utilize child specific language.  Additionally, in order to protect privacy of individuals, families, and/or organizations, I must learn to carefully read the nonverbal cues of others and follow up by delivering my messages effectively. 

Finally, if there are any recognizable differences in culture among any of these parties I must find ways to recognize and respect them so unintentional messages are not given.  What I will continue to work on is my listening skills, as I have a tendency to be very consumed with my own position in a conversation, which results in me not picking up on subtle cues every time.  I will continue to work on improving my communications skills in hopes that I will find open and honest interactions with others to be easier for me.  

Communication Skills and Styles

In an attempt to analyze communication skills and behaviors, in addition to ascertaining what can be learned through verbal and nonverbal messages, I have watched an episode of television that I was completely unfamiliar with; first without sound and then with the verbal dialogue added.  It was my goal to determine how well I can interpret the communication of others, and learn how mistakes in communication can be made.  I also then considered the differences between unfamiliar and familiar situations as I reflected on the potential differences in having previous background knowledge in a situation. 

**Last Man Standing, ABC network, Fridays @ 8:00p, sound off vs. sound on**

In watching with the sound off, I found that I was able to discern family placement, but not necessarily the actual emotional bonding between the characters.  By characterizing by age and physical proximity I could determine relationships, but simply analyzing facial expressions and body language I was left unsure about certain connections.  I was able to follow a basic story line after reading the show’s description, but don’t know that I could have really figured it out without a little help. 

           

After watching with the sound on, I was supported regarding family placement, but was incorrect about some integral aspects of the story line, particularly regarding the facial expressions/reactions of some of the characters relative to the point in the story line.  At one point, I assumed that the mother was attempting to relate an important piece of information to her husband, and that he was acting dismissive and using humor to deflect, but in reality, the point trying to be conveyed was solely satirical and humorous.  Additionally, at a point when I assumed that the father was trying to sway the future son-in-law in a particular direction, it turned out that he was doing the exact opposite. 

I found it easier to understand the body language and other nonverbal cues between the younger members of the cast, but had a more difficult time accurately understanding the messages between the older cast members, or those between older and younger characters.  I cannot say for sure whether or not it is because the older characters used a great deal of cynicism and sarcasm that can go undetected without verbal cues, or if I just feel as if I can place myself in the shoes of younger characters since I have already been through those stages in my life.  We have learned that our past dictates how we interpret communication and messages, and I think that it definitely showed here. 

I feel that if I were to try this experiment with a television program that I was more familiar with, or in an actual interaction between people that I knew, that I would be more accurate in my analysis.  I found this experiment to be quite valuable and found myself applying it to my practice.  I began to think about if I were of a different language or culture placed in a meeting where everyone else knew each other, how confused, and even possibly rejected I would feel. 

I also began to consider a certain mother who is a non-English speaking Muslim, that just recently enrolled her daughter in a preschool program that I visit a couple of times a week consisting primarily of white, English-speaking Christians.  For the first couple weeks, the daughter had a very difficult time separating from her mother.  While this was understandable, the mother seemed to not quite know how to best react to the situation.  This past week, the daughter seemed pleased to head into the classroom.  The mother smiled shyly with her gaze downcast, but I happened to catch her eye.  With a genuine smile at the step forward, I only managed to mutter, “Much better today”.  The mother visibly relaxed and smiled widely.  I was pleased to see that we connected and hoped that my gesture was considered appropriate.  I am anxious to see if we can actually strike up a conversation next week, where I intend to apply some of my new knowledge, and hope to improve my communication skills.  

Effective Communicationm

When I think of the person I know with the greatest communication skills, especially professionally, I often defer to one of my clients.  She works for a large company and is responsible to introducing new products and training new employees.  Socially, she is also an excellent communicator.  Her body language reflects confidence but she remains receptive.  She always stops to ponder a question or alternative viewpoint before responding and makes eye contact regularly.  

I have a terrible habit of interrupting others when they are speaking, especially when I become passionate about the subject matter.  While I tend to do this primarily in social contexts, I often find myself losing my train of though or becoming deficient in making points professionally as I try to monitor my own behavior simultaneously with attentive listening.  Also, because I am generally shy in nature, I  have trouble maintaining eye contact and exhibiting confident body language.  These are things that I have been working on for the last several years, but I often envy people for whom this seems to come naturally.

The saving grace in this situation is that I have come to also know this woman as a friend.  In doing so, I have learned that her abilities do not come naturally at all.  She has simply had the opportunity to practice regularly and admits also feeling incredibly nervous at times; however, she has developed coping strategies that allow her to perform seamlessly in the workplace.  It is my hope that the more opportunities I have to develop my skills, the more easily they will come.  I look forward to learning how to best make changes to my effectiveness as a communicator as I move toward being a more active and advocating member of the field.