Conflict Resolution

In learning more about conflict resolution and healthy expressions of disagreement, I was brought to thinking about a lengthy conflict that I had been experiencing with my sister-in-law over the past year.  Thankfully, our relationship is back to about 90% of what it was, but it has been a long and very carefully traveled path.

Unfortunately, she has suffered tremendous loss over the past four years and has also been held responsible for an incredible amount—more than many people can bear—associated with those losses, her teenage stepdaughter with a birth mother who consistently lashes out at her child for choosing to live with her father, and a husband who travels extensively for work.  We had always leaned on each other to help us through challenging times, but this time, after one very tiny mishap that actually did not involve me directly and was out of the hands of the party involved, I ended up being the scapegoat for all of her pent up frustration, hurt, and sadness. 

I had a very difficult time understanding why she chose me to unleash upon; however I also value this friendship a great deal and knew that the best thing I could offer her was time.  I was sure to keep up on how things were going and allowed her to divulge what she chose.  Sometimes it was more than others, but I felt that it was important to make it known that I was checking up on them all and that I cared.  The majority of my strategy for the first several months was containing the situation (The Third Side, n.d.), so that our relationship would not be damaged beyond repair. 

Slowly, over the next few months, she began reaching out to me unprompted, which was as much of an apology as I was ever going to get for the treatment I received, although I would never ask her to explain herself. I feel that it was our strong bond that let her know that I would be there no matter what, and that on some level by my refusal to challenge her behavior I was fulfilling some inherent human need of hers.  My compassion and empathy for her situation was allowing me to receive the critical messages she was sending and also afford me the opportunity to forgive her actions despite their hurtful nature (The Center for Nonviolent Communication, n.d.).  It was unconsciously understood by us both that my responding to her reaches was my acceptance of this unspoken apology. 

Thankfully, our situation has improved immensely.  We have learned to let go of what we cannot change or take back.  We have worked through numerous text messages and emails when a personal conversation may not have gone as smoothly.  We have put our children and family ties first to get us through.  We are now close again, and likely over time our relationship will progress to where it was before.  The sad truth; however, is that there was damage that may never be forgotten.  I can only hope that time will heal these wounds and allow us to work toward a reciprocal relationship where we can more clearly articulate our needs and feelings rather than go the slow route to closure. 

References

The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/

The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/